Mantras Make the World Go Round
by Purpwithapen
Summary: A peek into Leah's thoughts and feelings about her new team and when she has to deal with her first lethal, how does she and the team deal with it. One shot (may be in two as I've been having a terrible time trying to post it)
1. Chapter 1

She sipped on her beer and looked around the table. The team was fairly somber after the call today. She was glad that she'd thought of the bands for them and that Manny's Engraving had been able to do them in one day. It was a rocky start for her first day. When Jules had cut her off and said they were good, she'd cringed internally. Was it was the right thing to say? She thought so, she wanted them to know she understood. She definitely understood. She felt a small pang when she thought of Harry. It'd been a year since he died, but it still hurt. She'd covered it with a small smile when Greg had looked at her before they left on the hot call.

All of them were a bit short tempered today. She understood though, it was their first day back after their mandatory time off. They were still grieving. She thought over the mistakes she'd made today. They were little things and she blew them off. Tomorrow would be better. One thing her mother always told her, if today was bad, make sure tomorrow better. She was surprised when she heard someone saying her name with concern. She looked next to her at Greg. "Sorry, what?"

"Would you like another beer?" Greg asked as he stood. He wondered where Leah's thoughts were just now. The team had been on edge today, he knew. They were each dealing with Lou's death in their own way. He'd heard their tones as they dealt with the neighbor and each other, it was a tough first day back. He'd have to talk to Ed and see what he thought. He refused to let them make mistakes with Leah like they did with Sam.

"Sure, but I'm buying." Leah stood and smiled. She looked around the table. "Everyone ready?" When they nodded she turned, walked confidently to the bar and ordered.

Spike looked at the band on his wrist. He actually hadn't been able to take his eyes or hand off it. He was going to wear the name and number off of it if he kept touching it. He watched Leah walk to the bar and gave a small nod. It was nice of her to get the bands for them. He appreciated it more than she knew.

With a barely audible sigh, Jules put a hand on Spike's back. He'd been quiet since debrief and hadn't stopped looking at the band on his wrist. Their first day back had not been easy. She knew she'd been a little short today, especially to Leah, and regretted it. She didn't want Leah to feel unwelcome. When she saw Leah pick up all the bottles in her two hands, she hurried over and took some from her.

"Thanks." Leah smiled in appreciation.

"You're welcome." Jules smiled in return as they walked back and handed out the beers. She looked at Wordy who had been deep in thought.

"So, Leah how many siblings did you say you have?" Wordy asked. He felt the need to lighten the mood a bit with some getting-to-know-you questions.

"Nine." Leah smiled at the thought of her large family. "Eight brothers, all older"

"The baby _and_ the only girl?" Jules raised her brows and shook her head. "I'll bet dating is fun."

"Luckily the first five were out of the house before I was old enough, but that didn't stop them from showing up at the movies or a restaurant." Leah raised her brows.

Sam chuckled and looked at Leah. He'd have done that to Nat if he was home. He was impressed that she thought of the memorial bands for them. It definitely helped. He'd looked at it often today, especially when he'd forgotten for a moment and almost asked how Lou liked the cushy life in the truck while they dangled off a cliff. He was glad he saw the band as he looked up at Dale and Zoe standing precariously close to the edge. It helped him to refocus on his job and push the pain away like he'd done so many times.

As Leah told a story about her brothers crashing one of her dates, Ed watched his teammates. Their first day back had been rough in spots, but they'd gotten through it. After he made sure Zoe was ok his first thought was Jules. It'd picked at the wound for her to talk about Lou to the subject, even though it was in general terms. He saw that she put her professional mask on after, but he'd made sure to ride with her back to the barn and they had a good talk. It helped him too. Each of them had been tense and on edge today. He'd talk to Greg about it later.

They talked for quite awhile before Leah looked at her watch. It was almost 10pm and they needed to be back at the barn at 5. She stood, not wanting to break up the bonding. At least she hoped it was bonding. "Well, I'm going to get going. I'll see you guys in the morning." They said their goodbyes and she left. She smiled as she left, exuding the confidence she felt. They may not be best friends right away, but maybe some day.

Greg watched everyone agree it was time to go and stood. "Ed, got a sec?" He tipped his head to the side as they walked to their cars.

"Yeah." Ed lifted his brows, nodded to the others and followed Greg to his car. He put a hand on Greg's back as they stopped at the car.

"How did they do today?" Greg asked, studying Ed.

"It was a little rough in places, but we got everyone home safe." Ed nodded. When Greg just looked at him he shrugged. "They're ok. It was the first day back, it's bound to be rough."

"Yeah." Greg nodded. "I know. It'll take time, for all of us, but I don't want a repeat of our mistakes with Sam."

Ed bobbed his head. "No, we don't." He sighed. "I'll keep a close eye on it." Instinctively he put a hand on the band.

"It put a few bricks in the bridge." Greg saw the motion and automatically touched his band. He was impressed that Leah thought of the bands. It was just what they needed today.

"It did." Ed nodded.

##### a week later #####

Leah smiled and turned on the juice as the subject sprinted down an alleyway. She ran past where he turned and made the next turn.

Sam was running from the opposite side, but her last check in told him the subject had turned further from him. He picked up the speed knowing Leah would need back up.

"Leah, Sam, what's your 20?" Ed asked as he walked a subject to a cop.

"Draco alley." Leah whispered as she stopped at the end of the alley.

"Heading down Miller Extension, cutting him off from the east." Sam answered as he ran.

"Copy, we're on our way. Wordy, Jules." Ed acknowledged and nodded to them. They ran to the SUV and took off.

"Copy." Leah pulled out her mirror and positioned it so she could see a few feet down the alley. If she was right, and she was, the subject should be running by just..about.. She jumped, tackling the subject as he ran by. The fell to the ground with a thud.

"Ooh." Sam winced as he watched Leah and the subject fall to the ground. He'd come around the corner just in time to see it. He raced forward as Leah grappled with the subject. He got to them just as the guy got an elbow loose and hit Leah in the eye. He winced again and tied to grab the subject's arm. "SRU! Don't move." He growled.

The subject, Justin Astrid, wriggled and flailed his arms, trying to get away. He knew he got a lick in on the bitch that tackled him, but now he had to deal with this other guy. He flipped himself over under the woman, lifted his knee and pushed her from him.

Leah fell back at the shove, but got her feet under her and was back on him in seconds. "Stop." She yelled in his face as she tried to turn him over.

Sam stepped forward and pointed his gun at the subject's head. "Trust me, you don't want her to make you." He grinned as the subject turned himself over and put his hands behind his back. "Good choice." He was still sporting the bruises from their hand to hand training yesterday. Leah may not look like it, by she was strong and very tenacious. She didn't give up until she had nailed the new moves they showed her.

"Up." Leah helped the subject stand and smiled at Sam. She lifted her chin at the SUVs that screeched to a halt near them. She handed the subject off to one of the officers that followed the team, turned and walked to the SUV where everyone was standing.

"Nice take down." Sam smiled and put a hand on Leah's shoulder. When he saw her wince he gave her a concerned look. "You ok? You went down kind of hard."

"Nah, I'm good. Just a little sore from yesterday." Leah shrugged although it made her shoulder twinge. One armed takedowns were awesome, but taxing when you do it over and over to get it right. She touched her eye tenderly. Yup, that was going to bruise up.

"Me too." Sam agreed and stretched his back. He looked at her eye and could see it was ok, probably really sore.

"You sure? You need EMS?" Greg asked, lifting his chin at Leah.

"Oh yeah." Leah nodded smiling. She loved hand to hand, it was her favorite. It helped her work off her frustration from yesterday. Ed was very irritated with her for questioning his order for Sam to do the window entry at the lawyer's office and he let her know, loudly. She regretted saying anything and had beaten herself up about it last night. She was glad they trained this morning instead of patrolling.

"Team One, hot call." Winnie said urgently over the radio. "Justin Astrid attacked the officer transporting him, got his gun and is holding him hostage."

Greg looked at Ed. "Let's go." He said as they all ran for the SUVs.

Luckily they were only a few blocks from where the subject had taken a hostage. As soon as they arrived, Greg started talking to the subject with Leah covering while Sam found a Sierra position on a nearby building and Ed and Wordy worked on a strategy. Jules was talking to witnesses and Spike was working on getting eyes and ears.

"Boss. Eyes and ears are up. Hostage looks to be unharmed." Spike said just as the subject moved his arm and fired, hitting the hostage in the leg. The surprise and horror on the subject's face as he looked at the hostage was evident.

"We need to end this now." Ed growled. He had a questionable Sierra shot on the subject who was hiding behind the police car parked on the sidewalk, really close to a storefront. He looked at Leah who was next to him. She had a shocked look on her face but it quickly faded and her game face was back.

"Boss, that was accidental. I saw it. He pointed the gun down and it went off. I don't think he meant to shoot the hostage." Spike said before Ed could continue.

"Are you sure Spike?" Greg looked at the truck.

"Yes." Spike nodded emphatically. "Keep talking."

"We need to get that hostage out now. The officer could bleed out if we wait for the Boss to talk him out." Ed gritted his teeth.

Greg considered this for a moment. It was a risk to the officer's life to try talking, depending on where he was shot. "Spike, can you see where the officer was shot?"

"Greg." Ed said incredulously. Was he really suggesting they wait?

"Yes. Looks like it was the thigh. He has pressure on it, but it's bleeding a lot." Spike looked at the screen. The officer needed medical assistance ASAP.

"Ok Eddie. What do you want to do?" Greg conceded.

"Leah and I go into the shop and get to the front window. We breach from the right side near the back end of the cruiser while Spike and Jules come in from the left. Wordy, you cover the Boss." He heard everyone say copy and nodded. "Sam?"

"I have the solution." Sam watched through the scope as the subject continued to talk to Greg and Jules and Spike moved in.

Leah followed Ed into the store and they snuck down the rows of shelves to the front of the store by the door which was blocked by the cruiser. She readied the small charge on the window and gave Ed a nod.

"Alpha in position." Ed whispered as they moved back.

Spike and Jules moved to the driver side door of the cruiser and carefully slid forward to the engine block. "Bravo in position." Jules whispered as Spike peeked at the subject.

"In 3, 2..1!" At the same time, Leah set off the charge breaking the window, Spike and Jules stood and pointed their guns at the subject, yelling for him to get down. As Ed and Leah were moving in to take the subject down, the man dropped a knee on the hostages wound, his other straight, causing the hostage to scream in pain. Everyone froze. Ed had barely gotten two feet and was stopped in the small space between the rear quarter panel of the car and the broken window. Leah had climbed onto the trunk and had the best vantage. She had her gun at the back of the subject's head and could take him without injuring the hostage.

"Sam?" Ed said in a low tone, covering his mouth with his hand.

"No joy. No joy. Moving to get a better vantage." Sam looked up in frustration and ran down the roof of the building, hoping to get a better angle. He stopped and reset his rifle. He still couldn't see and it'd take too long for him to get to another building. He looked through his scope when he heard Leah speak.

"I have the solution." Leah stated matter of factly. She cleared her mind and focused on the man in front of her. She took slow deliberate breaths, calming her heart rate. It helped that Sam was counting out the rhythm in her ear.

"John? It's Greg again. We can't let you keep hurting that officer." He hitched his chin at the officer who was doing his best not to cry out at the pressure on his injured leg.

"I'm keeping him alive." John looked around him at the four men and one woman standing around him. "This pressure is keeping him from bleeding to death." He looked down at the officer and patted the red faced man on the head.

"We have EMTs standing by, we just need you to put the gun down so we can help that officer." Greg said gently.

"Not until I have a car, fully gassed up." He wagged a finger a Greg. When Greg started shaking his head, John leaned forward, applying more pressure.

Officer Frey felt the blackness envelop him as he screamed in pain. His hand shot up and he hit the subject square in the groin causing the subject to step back, releasing the pressure on his leg. The blood flow continued in earnest and he blacked out.

John staggered back from the hit and grabbed his crotch. Oh shit that hurt! Rage welled in him and he raised his gun at the stupid cop. A second later, he was gone. His body fell limply to the floor, a perfect hole in the side of his temple.

Jules, Wordy and Spike rushed forward. Jules secured the gun, Spike checked on the subject while Wordy applied pressure to the officer's wound. EMTs rushed in and took over with the still unconscious officer.

Ed looked at Leah. She'd lowered her gun, but she was staring at the subject. He stepped towards her and put a hand on her arm. "Leah."

Everything stopped. Later, someone would ask her what she was thinking and feeling in that moment and the only answer she had was, everything stopped. It was insanely quiet and still. Everything else had ceased to be. All she could see was the subject and all she could hear was the slow, steady beat of her heart. She smelled the gunpowder and looked at her hands. Her MP5 was still in her hands, she could feel the heat change of a gun recently fired. She took a breath and suddenly the world restarted. Two people were talking to her. Two men. Ed. Sam.

"Leah, you still hear me?" Sam asked from the rooftop. He could see that she was starting to come around. "Leah. It's ok. Take a few deep breaths." He saw her pull in air and breathe out. "Good."

Greg had moved to Ed and convinced him to walk away from Leah, to give her a minute. He knew Ed wasn't paying attention to the fact that Sam was getting through Leah's fog through the headset.

"SIU is on their way to you." Sam saw Investigators Coulson and Fury making a beeline to Leah. "They're going to take your gun and gear and take you to the SIU. Your lawyer will meet you there. When you get there, they'll need to take your clothes as evidence. Jules can grab clothes from your locker and bring it over." He looked at Jules and saw her look up, nod and head for an SUV. "I'll give you a ride home after you're done. You're going to need to feel how you feel, so I suggest no alcohol. Jules and I will be your contacts for the next 72 hours. We'll be checking in on you, but feel free to call us anytime day or night, ok?" He saw that his time was up and waited a minute for a response.

"Ok." Leah looked up. They locked eyes for a moment and she nodded before she stepped down to the ground and handed off her gun and gear. She looked back towards the subject and saw the coroner putting a black tarp down. She looked ahead and saw they were walking towards Greg.

"You ok?" Greg asked although he knew the answer.

She nodded. What else could she do? The SIU officer already told her not to speak to anyone. I'm not going to hang my head, she thought defiantly. I didn't do anything wrong. The subject was going to shoot the hostage. I did my job. He was going to kill the hostage. I didn't do anything wrong. This became her mantra as she walked to the waiting car with her chin up, eyes forward. She kept saying her mantra as they drove to the SIU, she sat in a room and waited for her lawyer.

"Hi, Constable Kearns, I'm your attorney Gale Lavage." A pleasant looking woman walked into the room and sat next to her silent client. She studied the woman before her. It was a little eerie she hadn't noticed there was another person in the room. She put a hand on Leah's arm which caused the younger woman to look at her. "Are you ok? Did anyone tell you what happens next?"

"Yeah. Sorry. They need my clothes as evidence." Leah looked at the woman next to her. "Did Jules-" she stopped when Gale lifted her hand clutching a plastic bag. "Good. Let's get it over with." It seemed like it dragged on for days. Investigator Coulson kept asking her the same questions different ways until she was seriously considering scorpio-ing h. is ass. She sat forward, folded her hands on the table and gave him her death glare. Many men had cowered at her death glare and Coulson was no exception.

Gale chuckled. "Are we done here Paul?"

Paul Coulson frowned and looked at the lawyer. Anything to avert his eyes from what could only be described as the scariest you're-dead-meat-if-you-don't-knock-it-off look. "Constable Kearns, you may go. There will be an inquiry, you're on administrative leave for the next 72 hours until said inquiry and I will contact you if we need anything else. Any questions?"

"Can someone give me a ride to the SRU?" Leah nodded. She really just wanted to go home, but she knew the team was probably waiting at the barn for her. She hoped that she could convince Sam that she should drive her motorcycle home. She really didn't want to have to go get it tomorrow.

"I can give you a ride." Gale smiled as she stood.

"Great." Leah stood and followed Gale to the elevator and to her car in the parking garage. They didn't say much on the ride over, Leah was busy repeating the mantra in her head. She'd found a rhythm in the words and it had a calming, soothing effect. She walked into the barn, said a quick hi to Winnie, walked straight to the briefing room and sat down in the end chair next to Spike.

"How did SIU go?" Ed asked. He was a little put off by Leah's almost happy outward appearance. Was she masking? Deflecting? Was she cleared?

Leah shrugged. "It was ok. There's an inquiry, so." She looked around the table. They were all staring at her, most with disbelieving looks. "I'm ok. Honest. The subject was going to shoot the hostage. I did my job. I did the right thing." Still don't believe me, she thought as she watched their faces.

Sam narrowed his eyes at Leah. Was she really ok? Her body language was saying yes. She believed what she just said.

Greg was a little stumped by the rookie. She really seemed ok and he wasn't sure what part of that disturbed him more. The fact that it didn't bother her that she took a life today or that she wasn't dealing with it. "We just want you to know that we're here for you. It isn't easy to take a life and the next 72 hours could be hard. Lean on Sam and Jules, that's what they're here for. And you can contact me anytime as well."

"Thank you." Leah bowed her head to them. "I appreciate it, but I'm good."

Oh, you are so not good, Jules thought. She looked at Greg. He was thinking the same thing. Did she just, not care?

"Ok, well, let's run through the debrief again now that Leah is here." Greg looked at everyone and got nods of acknowledgement except for Leah.

"I'm really tired. Is it possible we can do this some other time?" Leah asked. She was so very tired. Being at the SIU was really draining. Her eyelids felt like lead weights. She just wanted to go home and go to bed, she didn't even care that she was hungry.

Ed looked at Leah and nodded, she looked wiped. He'd felt that way too after a long interview with the SIU. It was a draining process. He understood the desire to want to just go home and sleep. He looked at Greg, "tomorrow?"

"Sure." Greg nodded. "Leah, can you meet us here at 8 for debrief?"

"No problem." Leah nodded. She looked at Sam. "I'm just going to drive my bike home. I don't live far."

Sam, Wordy and Spike all shook their heads.

"You're coming here tomorrow for debrief, you can pick it up then. Come on Leah, you can barely keep your eyes open." Wordy said logically.

She knew he was right, she just didn't want to admit it. Leah looked away. "Yeah, ok. Jules, I'm just going to grab my backpack and I'll be ready." She stood and walked away.

"Huh." Jules looked at Greg.

"Yeah." Spike frowned, confused.

"She's definitely hurting." Sam raised his brows.

"Agreed." Wordy nodded.

"Hopefully debrief will help." Greg was about to say more, but Leah returned, her backpack slung on one shoulder.

"Ready?" Jules asked. She looked at Greg in askance and he nodded. They were done for tonight.

"See you tomorrow. I'm here if any of you need me." Greg looked down at the file. He slid everything in the hard jacket and carried it as he walked out with everyone. He handed it to Sidney, "hang onto it. We're debriefing tomorrow."

"Copy." Sidney acknowledged then hit a button. "SRU."

Jules, Sam and Leah headed to the parking lot. The walk was quiet except for the conversation Jules and Sam were having with their eyes. 'Rookie to rookie. Doesn't hurt to try." Jules tipped her head. 'You've got this'. She gave him a small smile.

Sam's mouth quirked. 'Thanks.' He was so glad they'd become best friends. It was almost enough, almost.

"So." Leah looked at them expectantly.

"I'm closer. Come on." Sam smiled and tipped his head towards his car.

"Ok." Leah shrugged, put her backpack in the back, walked to the passenger side of the car and got in.

They were silent for a few minutes before Sam looked at her. She looked calm, serene. It was a little unnerving, but he was extremely familiar with what she was doing. He'd done it so many times he'd lost count. "What kind of music do you like?" He looked at the radio then back at her.

"Rock, R&B, whatever you want." Leah shrugged.

"I actually meant what bands do you listen to." Sam asked and flicked the radio on to a local rock station, smiling.

"Oh." Her eyebrows lifted. She was a little relieved he wasn't trying to force her to talk about the shooting, or was he? "I like the oldies, when rock was rock, you know? AC/DC, Aerosmith, the Eagles, Billy Joel."

"Billy Joel?" Sam's eyebrows lifted, his mouth turned down and he nodded.

"Yeah. But I like some of the new stuff too. I pretty much listen to anything," she shrugged, "just depends on my mood." She studied him for a moment. He was definitely getting good at this. "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but really, I'm fine."

He looked at her. "Ok." Sam turned onto her street and stopped in front of her house when she pointed to it. "Nice place." He looked up at the two story, modern looking house with almost a space-age type look.

"Thanks." Leah smiled and tipped her head down at him. "See you tomorrow."

"Yep." He gave her a look that said, call me if you need me.

Leah nodded and went inside. She put her keys down and looked around her house. She loved this place. The layout of the downstairs was completely open except for the double-sided fireplace in the living room and kitchen that reached all the way up to the ten foot ceilings. She had pieces of Haiti hanging everywhere, little reminders of the family and country she loved. Pictures she'd taken from her trips home and to other exotic locations during her time with the Peace Corp covered every surface.

She walked to the stereo system and turned it on. Mozart, perfect. She loved the new cd her mom sent of her brother Domaine's orchestra. Two of his six kids were in it as well. She walked the few steps to the side table and picked up the picture of the orchestra. She could see Francine on flute and Patrice on the bassoon, both in the front row. Her heart swelled with pride. They were all so talented. She put that one down and picked up the latest picture of her parents. It was a close up shot, but she could see the love in their eyes. She wondered for a moment if they would still love her is they knew what she did today. She kicked herself for the negative thoughts and put the picture down. Of course they still love me.

With a shake of the head she walked into the kitchen and to the fridge. She opened it and looked inside. It was full of fruits and vegetables, hummus, homemade salsa, all of her favorite healthy foods. She stared at the beers on the second shelf. No, they said alcohol was a bad idea. "Ahh." She said dismissively and closed the fridge. Just then her black cat Phillipe jumped on the counter. She clicked her tongue at him and he jumped down. "Naughty boy. Come on, time for bed." She walked to the bedroom, Phillipe meowed and followed. She looked down at him and smiled.

"You know better." She admonished as she changed for bed. He meowed and rubbed his head on her legs. She walked to the bed, pulled back the covers, got in, covered up and patted the bed next to her. When Phillipe jumped up she rubbed his head and neck, smiling when he started purring. She turned on her side and he walked up next to her and laid down at her chest. She rested a hand on him. "Good night Phillipe, mon petit fauteur." (My little troublemaker - French). He answered her with a lick on the hand and laid back down.

The next morning, she woke with a start. What the hell? It sounded like someone was trying to break down her door. She snuck quietly out of bed, grabbing her phone from the bedside table, to her gun safe. She opened it quickly and removed her personal gun, a Luger. She made her way slowly down the stairs, keeping to the right as the fireplace blocked the view from the door on that side. She jumped down behind the fireplace five steps from the bottom and used it for cover as she looked through the side window on the door. She saw tac uniforms and a blonde head. Damn. What time was it? She looked behind her in the kitchen and saw that the clock on the stove told her it was 10:30am.

"Holy shit." Leah breathed. She looked behind her and saw Spike looking in the window of the back door and talking into his headset. She gave him a small wave and pointed to the front door. She walked to the stairs, unloaded her gun and left it on the step. She pocketed the bullets and walked to the front door. She took a breath and pulled it open. "Hey." She said calmly, knowing she was probably in big trouble.

Sam tried to keep his face impassive, but they'd all become very worried when Leah didn't answer their many phone calls and texts. "Are you ok?" He looked past her quickly and saw the gun on the stairs, open and empty.

"Yeah." Leah shrugged and nodded. She looked down at her phone. Six missed calls and 15 texts. She shook her head and moved aside so they could come in. She looked up and was surprised that only Sam came in. At least it wasn't Ed, she thought. He'd already be yelling. She looked out to the yard and frowned. The rest of the team had disappeared. She blinked, not knowing what to say. She closed the door and turned to see Sam sitting on the couch, looking at her stone faced.

Crap. She walked to the big comfy chair and sat down. She felt like she'd just walked into the principal's office and was waiting for the punishment to be handed out. She'd done that many times during school. She was definitely the rebel of the siblings. Her brothers always said she was just attention hungry which was ridiculous since she was the baby. Everyone knew the baby got ALL the attention.

Sam watched her. Her quiet confidence was awesome, but he could tell she was a little uncomfortable right now. He sighed. He didn't want to treat her like a kid, but they were very concerned. "What happened?"

"I overslept. I don't know how that happened though, my internal clock usually wakes me up." Leah realized that she'd scared them when she didn't show up or answer her phone. "I'm sorry Sam. I didn't mean to worry you or the team. I can't believe I slept through my phone too." She looked down at it and realized that she'd turned the ringer off and muted the volume. Damn.

"Guess you needed the sleep." Sam nodded in understanding.

"Yeah, guess so." Leah agreed.

He eyed her. "Did you sleep ok?"

She thought for a moment. "Like a baby."

Sam noticed the pause, but didn't say anything. His ears perked up when he heard Winnie start to give them the details of a hot call. He looked at Leah and realized she'd been saying something.

"...make me sorry in gym when I come back. Are they really pissed?" Leah looked at him and frowned.

"Sorry, hot call coming in. Can you repeat that?"

"Nothing. You gotta go." Leah shook her head, stood and walked to the door.

"I'm not too busy to listen, ever." Sam gave her a pointed look.

"Thanks, but I'm good." Leah gave him a small smile.

"Ok." He nodded. "Talk to you later." He walked down the steps and across the lawn to the waiting SUV. With a yank he pulled the passenger door open and climbed in next to Jules.

"What do you think?" Jules asked as she drove like a bat out of hell to get to the hot call.

#####

Leah closed the door after Sam got in the SUV. She looked around the house. What do I do now, she thought. Workout. She missed workout this morning. She walked back upstairs, grabbing her gun on the way and locked it up. She changed into workout clothes and headed to the basement.

At the bottom of the basement stairs, she stopped and took a breath in. Which is it today, she thought as she looked over her equipment. P90X? Cardio? Boxing? All of it, she thought with a smile. She had some time to kill and nothing planned, it wouldn't hurt to get some extra workout time in. She walked to the stereo, turned it on and cranked it. The rock group Shinedown's song Enemies started to play. It had the exact right beat and pounding instrumentals that she needed to start her off.

#####

Team One gathered in the briefing room after a strenuous three hour standoff with a subject hell bent on teaching his so-called tyrant boss how to fly. Luckily Jules had been able to talk the man into releasing the hostage and giving up his gun. Unfortunately, that was not before the subject was able to publicly humiliate his boss by making him strip naked and walk near the edge of the building so the cameras could see him in his birthday suit.

Jules pushed the picture of the subject's naked boss away. She'd seen enough at the scene. The man was very large and very hairy, everywhere. There really wasn't much to debrief- the thought made her stop and laugh out loud.

"Jules?" Greg frowned at her.

"Sorry Boss, but I think we've done enough 'debiefing', " she held up the picture of the naked man, "today."

Spike instantly dissolved into peals of laughter and put his hand up for Jules to high five, which she did.

"Oh lord." Wordy chuckled and shook his head. "You've been hanging around Spike too long." He looked at Ed who was doing his best to keep from laughing, but it wasn't working. Wordy couldn't help it, the look on Ed's face aaaaqhim laughing too.

"Now Jules." Greg said around a laugh. "We have to-" He couldn't hold it in any longer and started laughing hysterically.

"Guys." Ed tried to say as a warning but it was only half serious. He couldn't stand it and joined in on the laughing. He looked at Sam, but he wasn't laughing. He was staring at the table, lost in thought. Ed's laugh faded and he walked over to Sam. He crossed his arms and sat on the table so that he was facing Sam. "Sam? What's up?"

Everyone else's laughter died down when they saw Ed sit on the table, looking serious.

"Huh? Sorry. What did you say Jules?" Sam came out of his thoughts and realized they were all looking at him. Crap. What did he miss?

"What's going on?" Ed asked concerned.

"I don't get it." Sam shook his head.

"What?" Ed prodded.

"Leah."

##### thirty minutes later #####

She landed several hard blows on the bag then moved and threw a few more punches. She moved into shadow boxing with the bag which had her bobbing and weaving while throwing punches. She threw in some kicks too. She was drenched in sweat, but it felt good. She could feel her body getting tired, but she kept pushing. She knew she could go a lot longer.

The only reason she stopped, was because the house phone was ringing. She went to the stereo and cranked the volume down before she grabbed the extension, pulled a glove off and answered. "Hello?" She smiled when her mother's voice came over the phone. "Bonjour Mamman." She spent the next 30 minutes talking to her mother about various things, birthdays coming up, events, things going on in the community, but she left off anything about the call yesterday. She never told her parents about that stuff though. She didn't need to burden them with it.

They never really asked anyway. She knew that they worried about her, all good parents do. She wanted to shield them as much as they tried to shield her when she was growing up. It didn't always work for either of them. As she was saying goodbye, her mom stopped her.

"Are you ok Leah?"

"Of course Mamman." Leah smiled. She was. It wasn't a lie. She had to do something horrible yesterday, but it saved the hostage. That made her proud of her job. She saved someone. But what of the cost? Something niggled in her mind, but she silently told it to shut up. She hung up the phone and smiled. It was always good to talk to her mom. They had a very tight bond. She was close with all of her family. Her mom had said that Domaine's orchestra would be touring in a couple weeks to raise money for the orchestra and music programs in local schools.

When the phone rang as soon as she hung it up, she looked at it strangely. She saw the number and hit the button. "Hi Boss." She said lightly.

"Hi Leah." Greg said pleasantly. "We were just debriefing after the last call and I thought that if you were free you could come in and we could debrief from last night's call." He looked at Ed.

"Uh, well I was just working out so I'll need to shower and change first." Leah looked at her watch. "And get some lunch." It was nearly 2:30. How did she miss lunch?

Greg looked up as the klaxon alarm went off again. "We've got a hot call. After shift tonight? Meet us at the barn at 6:30?" He looked up and saw that Ed had already walked to the desk and was getting the details from Winnie.

"Sure." Leah nodded. She dismissed the feeling of dread she felt. It was fine. She'd repeat her mantra to them and it'd all be fine. She hung up with Greg and the phone rang again. What the hell? The number was unfamiliar, but she hit the button. "Hello?"

"Leah Kerns?" An unfamiliar female voice answered.

"Yes?"

"He was a good man you bitch! He was just confused! Now because of you he's not going to get the help he needs. You stupid bitch!" The woman screeched.

Leah was taken aback for a moment. Her negotiator training kicked in though and she said, "I'm so sorry for your loss. Are you a relative?"

"Fuck you and your sorry. Bring my boy back you heartless bitch." The line went dead.

When the phone rang a moment later she jumped. She didn't recognize the number so she held onto the phone and waited for the machine to pick it up. Her voice carried through the house. "You've reached Leah, leave a message."

"Hi Leah, it's Gale Lavage. They set up the hearing for tomorrow. Can you give me a-"

She hit the button. "Gale? I'm here."

Gale frowned. She could hear something in Leah's voice. "You ok?"

"Yeah." Leah took a breath and looked around the house. She'd have to double check the windows tonight and make sure the yard alarm was on too.

"You don't sound it. What happened?" Gale insisted. She knew people and even the bravest people could get rattled once in awhile. When she heard a sigh, she set her mouth in a line. "Leah?"

"The victim's mother just called." Leah said finally.

"You mean the subject's mother?"

"Yeah. But she's upset. It's ok." Leah shook her head.

"Did she threaten you? I can get a protection order."

"No. Really Gale, it's ok." Leah shook the sound of the woman's voice from her head.

"Ok, well if she calls again let me know. Can you come to my office? I want to go over what will happen in the hearing."

"Sure. About an hour?" Leah nodded.

Gale stuck out her arm and looked at her watch. "Sounds good." After she hung up she called to her secretary and had her move her appointment in an hour to tomorrow.

Leah put the phone back in the base and ran upstairs to shower and change. She came back down a half hour later dressed and ready to go. She grabbed her keys and headed to her car in the garage. She revved up the bike, opened the garage door and zoomed out, the door closing behind her. A few minutes later she drove into the parking garage and parked. She strode into the building and up to the office. She sat in the waiting area after telling the receptionist who she was.

A few minutes later, Gale stepped out of her office. "Hi Leah. Come on in."

She stood and smiled. "Hi." Leah followed Gale into the office and sat in the chaIr offered.

"I'm concerned about this call you received. Are you sure you're ok?" Gale could read something was bothering Leah, but couldn't put her finger on it.

"I'm good." Leah nodded. They talked in length about what would happen in the inquiry and who would be there. This was just preliminary, to decide if charges should be brought against the subject officer. It would only be the review board, Leah, Gale and a SIU investigator. They'd be asking some of the questions she was asked in her interview, but some would be more in depth, trying to determine her state of mind and every detail of the call. It'd be tough. She was allowed one person to be there with her for support. She thought maybe she'd asked Sam.

"Ok, so any questions?" Gale asked. She could see that Leah looked a little like a deer in headlights so when she stood to walk Leah out she put a hand on Leah's back and patted it.

Turning to look at Gale, Leah gave her a small smile. Even while they were talking about what Leah would say, her mind was on the things the woman said. As she exited the elevator, she shook her head. No, you did the right thing. Stop it, she told herself. You're fine. A ride, she thought, that always clears my head. She looked at her watch, still a couple hours until she had to be at the barn. She could just drive for an hour and then head back.

She pulled out of the parking garage and made a few turns to head out of town. She felt her phone vibrate, but it wasn't like she could answer. She made her way down a busy street and stopped at a light. Suddenly, a car ran the light from the opposite side of the street and was broadsided by someone going through the intersection. She looked around and seeing a space just ahead of her walked her bike into it and parked. When she looked up, she saw that the car that caused the wreck had backed up and was speeding away. She memorized the plate.

"Hey! I was gonna take that!" The man in the blue car behind her yelled out his window.

"I'm a police officer! I have to see if anyone is hurt. Call 911!" Leah yelled to him then ran through the intersection to the car that was sitting in the middle of the intersection. All of the traffic was stopped on both sides and people were honking their horns. She looked up and knew she'd need to guide people through the intersection to get the traffic cleared up. She stood at the back of the wrecked car and motioned for the line of traffic she came from to go across and for the others to hold.

A moan and crying from the car alerted her so she backed up and took a peek inside. The car seat was rear facing, but it'd been pushed on it's side. The fact that the baby was crying was a good sign.

"Oh my god, my baby!" The woman driving said panicked.

Leah moved to the driver door just as an impatient driver from the other side whizzed past her, hitting her leg as he went by. She cried out and fell to the ground clutching it. She could hear the woman panicking so she hauled herself up as best she could and reassured the mother. "The baby is crying. That's a good sign. How are you?"

The woman nodded and released a sob. "My back hurts. I think I whipped that way," she pointed to the passenger side, "and came back when they hit us. Is that driver ok?" She looked at the woman helping her out of the corner of her eye because she was holding her neck. "Are you a doctor?"

"Ok. Don't move then. The other driver took off. I'm a police officer, and I used to be a firefighter and paramedic, so you lucked out." Leah smiled and opened her eyes wide. She looked up the street and saw two cruisers coming to them, followed by an ambulance. She looked back at the victim. "EMS is coming. They're going to take good care of you and your baby."

"Ok." The woman looked at the officer. "What's your name?"

"Constable Kearns." Leah said then turned to the two officers. "I'm Constable Leah Kearns with the SRU. I witnessed the accident. The other driver was a young male, mid-20's wearing a red shirt and blue cap. The car was a Toyota Camry, mid-90's, dark green, license plate Alpha Tango 45, Water, Echo. He went that way," she pointed with her chin, " about 10 minutes ago."

"Great, thanks." The first officer nodded and grabbed his radio to relay the info. He stopped when he saw the officer's leg was bleeding. "Are you ok?" When Leah nodded he shook his head, turned and left.

Steve and his partner Frank ran up to the car and he stopped at the sight of Leah Kearns holding the victim's neck in a c-collar position. "Hey Leah." He looked down and noticed the blood pooling around he foot and followed up to a huge gash on her thigh. "Whoa. How'd that happen?" He knelt down next to her, examining the wound.

"Help the mom and her baby first." Leah shook her head even though her leg was screaming.

Frank was already leaning through the back door, assessing the baby so Steve stood. "Fine but you're coming with us.."

"Ok." Leah nodded. She moved her hands so Steve could put on the c-collar, then helped him get the driver on a backboard. She tried to help Steve carry the woman, but he insisted she sit down. She looked up and saw Steve's partner holding the baby. "How is she?" She noticed the pink blanket.

"Perfectly fine. They may want to give her a quick once over, but everything seems fine." Frank smiled at the tiny girl. She couldn't be more than a few weeks old. He saw that Leah was getting pale and hurried over to the rig. "Steve, we better get that officer in here and get going."

"Yeah?" Steve turned and ran to the other side of the car. Leah was leaning against the front seat, passed out. He knelt down and ripped the opening in her pants wider. It looked nasty. There was a big long scrape down the side of her leg and it was all swollen. He saw another ambulance arrive and waved them over.

"Was she in the car? The first EMT asked.

"No. She was helping the driver of this car and I'm not sure what happened. She passed out a minute or two ago. She has a big abrasion down her leg, so I'm assuming she must've gotten hit by a passing car." Steve looked up when Frank called his name. He looked at the first paramedic. "She's SRU, I'll call them." He ran to his rig and climbed in the back.

The two medics got Leah onto a backboard and loaded In the ambulance.

Leah opened her eyes and was disoriented. She was moving, but was strapped to a backboard. Her leg ached, but it wasn't as bad as earlier. She looked to her left and saw a man she didn't know. "What's going on?" She frowned.

"You hurt your leg helping that woman and we're taking you to the hospital Constable. How's your pain?" He asked and looked at the monitor. Her heart rate and bp were good.

"It's ok. Did you give me something?" Leah asked feeling woozy.

"Three mics of tordol." He nodded.

"Good. That's good for now." Leah blinked. She tried to relax as she felt them slow, stop and back into the hospital. The doors opened, she was pulled from the ambulance and turned so she was feet first going into the hospital. As expected, there were several people moving around her, asking questions. She answered every question calmly and waited for them to do what they do. None of this was new to her. She'd brought many people into this same ER when she was a medic and had a few accidents herself.

They took her down the hall for an X-Ray of her leg and then an MRI to make sure she didn't tear anything. When they moved her back to her room in the ER, Greg was waiting in the room, still in his full tac gear. "Hey Boss." She pushed the button on the bed and lifted her head up so she was sitting up.

"Hey." Greg said a little surprised. "You doing ok?"

"Yeah. They gave me some pain meds so it feels pretty good actually." Leah smiled.

"What happened? Steve said he thought maybe you got hit by a car." Greg looked at her leg.

"Yeah some jerk drove through the intersection and clipped me." Leah laid her head back on the pillow.

"Ouch." Greg's eyebrows went up. "I'm sure it'll be ok though."

Just then Dr. Fraser walked in. "Constable Kearns, how're you feeling?" She rubbed her hands together to rub the antibacterial gel in.

"Ok." Leah nodded. "The leg's going to be sore I assume." She looked at the doc questioningly.

Dr. Fraser nodded. "Yes. I didn't see anything broken in there, but you tore your ACL. It must've gotten twisted when the car hit you." When Leah nodded, she continued, "so what does that mean? Well, you'll be on light duty for awhile. You'll need to stay off it and let it rest. Hopefully it'll mend on it's own, otherwise we'll have to do surgery."

"Not happening." Leah shook her head.

"We can do that." Greg gave Leah a serious look. "We'll make sure she behaves."

Although this particular group of officers had spent too much time in her ER, Dr. Fraser had come to know and admire them. She knew Greg was a man of his word. She was actually glad that it wasn't Sam in the bed this time. He seemed to attract injury for some reason. "Ok. We'll send you home with some mild pain meds and brace. Keep the leg elevated when you can and ice at night, 20 minutes on, 20 off for at least an hour. Do you have stairs at home?"

Greg held up a hand. "We'll make sure she's somewhere one floor only and has help." When he Leah looked at him confused, he smiled and shrugged. "It's what we do."

"Great. I'll go get your discharge papers." Dr. Fraser turned and left the room.

Leah raised a brow at him.

"Jules or Wordy?" Greg smiled.

"Have you told them about this arrangement?"

"Not yet but believe me, they're going to offer." Greg nodded. He gave her a pointed look and when she frowned, he raised his brows. "Getting hurt isn't really a good way to avoid debrief."

"I'm not trying to avoid debrief." Leah frowned deeper. Time for the mantra, she thought. "He was going to kill the hostage. I did my job. I saved the hostage." She said in the rhythm she established.

"That's true." Greg nodded. "Once you get settled at someone's house, we'll talk about it some more."

"Not really much to talk about." Leah lifted a shoulder.

They were interrupted by the nurse who came in with the prescription and leg brace. She apologized when Leah braced herself and sucked in a breath when they put the straight leg brace on and strapped it down. Then she helped Leah off the bed and into a wheelchair with the crutches on the handles.

"I've got it." Greg smiled. He took the chair and pushed her out into the waiting room where the rest of the team was waiting. They stood as she came out, concern etched on their faces.

"I'm good guys. Don't worry." Leah smiled.

"Why is your leg in a brace then?" Spike raised a brow.

"Oh that? That is temporary." Leah winked at him.

"Because she's going to do exactly what she's supposed to which includes light duty in the truck." Greg said pointedly. "And, having

help while she recovers." He looked at Jules and Wordy.

"I'd love to have you stay with me." Jules smiled.

"We have plenty of room. The girls would love another woman around." Wordy half smiled.

"That's all you need." Jules laughed. "I love you Wordy, but one more woman in that house and we'll have to start calling you Wordina."

"Ha, yeah Worrrdd-" Spike laughed and dragged the name out until he saw the look on Wordy's face. He closed his mouth and looked away, rocking back and forth on his heels.

"Thank you both for the offer." Leah nodded. "If you're sure it's not too much trouble, Jules." She looked up at her teammate.

"No problem at all." Jules smiled. She was glad. She didn't know that much about Leah and this would be a chance to remedy that.

"Good." Greg smiled. He was proud of his team. He didn't have to say anything to encourage them to bond with Leah. They

were doing it on their own.

Jules moved forward and pushed the wheelchair outside to the loading area. Everyone followed then headed off to their cars.

Leah frowned. No goodbye? She looked to her left and saw that Sam was avoiding eye contact. "I'm pretty tired. I think I'll take a nap when we get to your house." She said when Jules got out of her Jeep.

"We'll stop by your house and then the pharmacy." Jules nodded as she and Sam helped Leah into the Jeep. She followed Sam around the back of the Jeep and exchanged a look.

Sam had to stop himself from kissing her cheek. It was almost an instinct while they were dating and he needed to get out of it now that they weren't together. He nodded and gave her a 'It'll be ok' look.

When Jules got in the Jeep, Leah watched her with interest. What was that little exchange at the back of the Jeep? Were they dating again? No one told her about Sam and Jules dating, but she figured it out from little things here and there. They seemed like a perfect match, but obviously being on the team was more important to them. She wondered when they would figure out that wasn't as true as they wanted it to be.

After they made their stops, they pulled into Jules' driveway. Leah looked on the street. Was that the Boss' car? When they walked into the house, the team was sitting at the kitchen table. "You guys didn't have to come help me get settled, I'm good." She frowned at them. What were they doing here? And they weren't really acknowledging her. She stopped and sighed. "Ok guys, what's going on?"

Greg stood. "Please, go get yourself settled and we'll meet you in the living room."

She didn't like that answer. "No. I'm very straightforward. If you have something to say to me, say it." Leah frowned. Were they kicking her off the team? Because of the lethal?

He sighed. "Ok. Let's go to the living room." Greg walked next to her, making sure she stayed steady without making it seem like he was doing so as the walked the short distance to the living room. He got Leah settled on the couch, sat next to her, Ed next to him. Wordy sat in the arm chair, Spike in the one next to the Boss and Jules walked in and put a file on the coffee table.

Leah stared at the file on the table. Damn it. Why did they have to do this now? "I'm really tired-"

Ed looked at Leah. "You can't keep this up. You _have_ to go talk about it tomorrow, in detail. We can help you through it."

"But I'm **fine**." Leah shook her head, smiling. "The subject was going to shoot the hostage. I did my job."

"You're not dealing with it Leah. You're pushing it away and that only works for so long." Sam raised his brows, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped together in front of him. "I would know. I did it for years."

When Leah shook her head again, Greg reached down and flipped open the file, pictures of the deceased subject ontop.

Everything stopped. She knew her heart was beating, but it was so quiet, she thought for sure her heart had stopped too. She stared at the pictures as the Boss started reading from the transcript, starting two minutes before the lethal.

Greg watched her as he slid the pictures in front of her. He saw her eyes tearing as he read from the transcript. "Constable Kearns: I have the solution. Sergeant Parker: John? It's Greg again. We can't let you keep hurting that officer. Subject: I'm keeping him alive. This pressure is keeping him from bleeding to death. Sergeant Parker: We have EMTs standing by, we just need you to put the gun down so we can help that officer. The subject leaned his leg on the hostage's wound causing the hostage pain. The hostage-"

"Stop." Leah thought it was her voice, but it sounded shaky. She said it again to be sure it was her voice, "stop" she whispered. Yes. Please stop, she thought. I know what happened. She put her elbows on her knees, head in her hands. "I can't breathe." She was so overwhelmed and she hated feeling this way. "I- I took a life." She said barely above a whisper.

Sam looked at Greg and Ed. They didn't hear her either. "What was that?" He asked gently.

She swallowed and looked up. "I took his life." She admitted. She didn't want to, but the evidence was there in front of her. She couldn't deny it any more. The tears flowed in earnest. "I- I had to." She wiped her face with her hands and sniffed loudly, angry she was crying in front of them.

"Yes." Sam nodded, gained her gaze and held it.

"We have a saying, just because you did right doesn't mean you get to feel right." Wordy explained. "Taking a life isn't easy. It never is." He looked at Greg and saw a small, almost imperceptible nod.

"And we all deal with it in our own ways, but you **have** to deal with it. You can't keep this bottled up Leah. It'll tear you apart if you do." Sam held her gaze. He could see that she was listening and he gave her an encouraging nod.

"I've spent most of my career trying to save people," Leah started, I've watched people die in front of me. Sometimes because I- I couldn't save them," she looked down, "but I took a life yesterday." She shook her head.

"Do you think there was anything else we could've done?" Spike asked.

Leah looked at Spike, his kind brown eyes encouraging but worried. She thought about it for a moment then shook her head. "The subject escalated the hostage. If he hadn't leaned on the hostage's leg, the hostage wouldn't have reacted which caused the subject to point the gun." She frowned. "I don't know if he would've shot the hostage." She said aloud for the first time. Oh god, did she really believe that?

"Ok, so why did you fire?" Ed raised a brow.

"Ed." Jules gave him a hard look.

"I want to know too." Sam nodded.

"Hindsight is 20/20." Wordy said.

She shook her head. She kept seeing it over and over, but there was a small part of her that wondered if she'd waited a moment longer, if Greg could've kept the subject from firing. Leah looked at Greg. "You could've stopped him. Made him see the consequences of his actions." She shook her head."But I took that away. I didn't give him a chance-" she covered her face, leaned over and sobbed.


	2. Chapter 2

Jules put a comforting hand on Leah's back and sat on the arm of the couch. She looked at Greg. "Read it again Boss." she whispered.

Greg read through the transcript again and looked at Leah when he read the part where the subject leaned on the hostage's leg, the hostage lashed out which made the subject point his gun at the subject's head.

"The hostage was being threatened." Leah nodded and sniffed as she held Greg's gaze.

"It hurts to have to take a life to save a life. It doesn't seem fair or right, but it's our job." Jules kept her hand on Leah's back. She could see that Leah was processing what they were saying and she was glad. Sam was really worried when Leah missed debrief this morning and hadn't answered any of their calls or texts today. Sam had been insistent that Leah needed their help, even when the others thought that Sam was overreacting. She was glad he'd said something. He was right.

After several minutes, Leah nodded. She got it. She looked at Jules and blew out a breath. She was glad they'd come over to debrief. She wondered again what her parents would think of what she did. She stood as best she could and grabbed her crutches. She looked at Jules. "Can you grab my prescription? I need to lie down."

"Sure." Jules nodded and shot Sam a look, tipping her head to the kitchen.

Sam stood and followed her while the Boss and Wordy walked Leah to the spare bedroom.

As she opened the pills and pulled out two, Jules looked at Sam. He was a little too close, she could smell his aftershave. She loved that smell, but willed herself to ignore it. She opened the fridge and pulled out a water.

"I think she'll be ok now." Sam said as he watched Jules. He couldn't help but look at her butt when she turned to open the fridge, but he forced myself to look away and stuffed his hands in his pockets.

"Yeah." Jules nodded. "I'm going to sleep on the couch, just in case. Tomorrow is going to be tough."

"I stopped at my apartment and grabbed a bag. I'll stay on the couch. That way I can take her to the hearing. I already cleared it with the Boss. You're going to train tomorrow." He saw a look cross her face. "Is that ok?" He wondered what that look meant.

"Of course." Jules shrugged. She could deal with him here for one night. She just hoped he still didn't sleep naked. She turned and walked to the spare room before he saw her thoughts on her face. He could always tell what she was thinking. She knocked softly on the door and opened it when she heard Leah say "come in". She walked to the bed and handed the pills and water to Leah. She sat on the edge of the bed as she watched Leah take the meds. "Anything else you need?"

"No. Thanks." Leah gave her a small smile.

"Ok. You want Szechwan for supper?" Jules raised a brow.

"Sure." Leah nodded.

Jules stood. She could see that the med was making Leah sleepy and that her teammate needed some time alone. "I'll let you get some rest and will wake you when supper gets here."

"Ok." Leah leaned her head back into the pillows and looked up. She heard Jules leave but continued to stare at the ceiling. The tears started again and she let them fall. It hurt so much to think of the subject's family, how much this must be hurting them. They didn't have anything to do with it and she couldn't blame them for being angry. She cried for them, for her, until she finally fell asleep.

"See you tomorrow." Jules said as Ed, Greg, Wordy and Spike left.

"Let us know if you need anything." Greg smiled. He wondered if their rookie was really going to be ok. And, if Jules and Sam were going to be ok with Sam staying the night on the couch.

"Thanks." Jules smiled. She looked at Sam and they went inside.

"You sure you're ok with me staying the night?" Sam looked at her. He knew it'd be hard for him, knowing she was upstairs wearing one of her cute little sleep outfits or nothing at all. A certain part of him reacted and he had to switch his train of thought to something else.

"Sure." Jules nodded. She could deal with this. He was her best friend. It was just a friend helping out a fellow friend and teammate. Oh GOD please don't let him sleep naked! No, she thought, above all he's a gentleman and wouldn't do that. They walked to the living room and they sat on the couch in companionable silence, watching a movie. When she came back from the bathroom, Sam was gone. She stopped at the door of the spare room and heard him talking. She moved back to the couch and sat down. When he emerged ten minutes later she smiled at him. It was awesome how he was helping Leah.

"Nightmare, but she's ok. She fell back asleep." Sam said as he sat back on the couch.

Jules smiled at him. "You're a good friend."

"Thanks Jules." Sam gave her a lopsided grin. He was glad he could help. He knew better than anyone what it felt like to take a life, whether it was justified or not.

##### 30 minutes later #####

Leah laid in bed, wide awake. She was looking up at the ceiling, trying to forget the nightmare she had. She was embarrassed when she woke with a gasp and Sam was sitting on the bed trying to wake her. She'd tried to cover the nightmare, but he knew. She'd appreciated him talking about his first lethal. He said he still thought about it sometimes, but he'd made his peace with it. She was surprised when he said he was staying the night and would be here if she needed. It made her smile now. It felt good to know that they were starting to accept her and make her feel like part of their team.

She knew going in that they were a very tight unit. It didn't take a genius to to see it. The way they talked to each other, teased and worked together was definitely something special. She sat up with a groan and swung her injured leg so her foot was touching the floor. She winced when she felt a small headache starting. She looked up when there was a knock on the door. "Decent!" She called and then blushed.

Jules walked in and lifted a brow at the embarrassed look on Leah's face.

"Automatic answer." Leah explained. She took the crutches from Jules and stood with a wince.

"You need another dose?" Jules asked as she walked with Leah to the bathroom. "I can call the doc and see if he can increase the dose."

"Just a headache." Leah shook her head slightly. She hobbled into the bathroom and closed the door. A few minutes later she emerged and saw Jules was waiting.

"Sam went to get supper." Jules walked forward and then walked with Leah to the living room. "We'll eat in here."

"I can make it to the dining room." Leah said incredulously.

"That's ok. I eat in here all the time. We were thinking of watching the game. Maple Leafs at the Canucks." Jules waved a hand dismissively and followed Leah to the couch. She waited while Leah got situated with her leg on the ottoman, then went to the kitchen. She came back ten minutes later with an ice pack, water and ibuprofen which she handed to Leah. "The doc said this should help your headache, but that if it gets worse I should bring you in."

"Thanks." Leah smiled. "That won't be necessary though. This should fix it." She undid the velcro straps and took the brace off. She gently put the ice pack on her knee and sucked in a breath at the coldness of it. She threw back the pills and washed them down with the water. She took the ice off when Sam walked in with their food.

Sam put the food boxes on the coffee table and stole a look at Leah. She looked ok, a little pained. He didn't want to ask though, he knew how it felt to be mother henned.

Jules brought plates, silverware and napkins from the kitchen and put them on the table. She scooped food onto Leah's plate as she chose what she wanted from the containers.

Once they had food, they settled in to watch the game. They paused it awhile later and Sam insisted he clean up the mess. It only took him a few minutes to wash the dishes. When he came back, Jules put a finger to her lips and pointed at Leah who was sound asleep.

"No. No. I know. I'm sorry. I'M SORRY!" Leah yelled several minutes later and opened her eyes. She blew out a breath and put a hand to her heart. Oh shit, she thought, that was far too real. She felt a hand on her arm and saw Jules and Sam looking at her. "Sorry."

"It's ok." Jules nodded. "You want to talk about it?"

She blew out a breath and wondered if she should mention the call she received. Probably, Leah thought. If the person keeps calling or threatens her or the team, they'd need to know. She looked between the two of them. "I got a call yesterday. I think it was the subject's mother."

Sam frowned. "What did she say?" This wasn't good.

"That I killed her son before he had a chance to get help." Leah bowed her head. "And that she didn't accept my apology or condolences. That she wanted her son back and I was heartless for, uh, for killing him."

"That must've been very hard to hear." Sam nodded.

"Yeah." Leah didn't lift her head. She frowned and looked at them. "Does it ever get easier?"

"Unfortunately, no. But you find a way to make peace with it because we have to. Otherwise, we can't do our job." Jules said gently. "I focus on the ones we could save. Knowing that we were able to help them in the worst moment of their life keeps me going."

Sam nodded in agreement. "That officer would've died. He was bleeding profusely. The hospital said the bullet just nicked the major artery. He was bleeding out in front of us."

Leah could see where they were going with this. She saved the hostage. She did what she had to because it's her job. The reason she wanted this job was because she wanted to help people even more than as a firefighter or EMT. To hopefully stop people from causing harm to others, not clean up the carnage. She looked at them both meaningfully. "Thank you. I better get to bed." She stood as best she could and smiled when Sam was at her side as she crutched to the bedroom.

He looked at Leah as they made their way to the bedroom and could see that something had clicked with her. She definitely was going to be ok now. Sam watched her crutch to the bed and sit down. "You gonna be ok?" He asked even though he knew the answer.

"Definitely." Leah answered confidently. "I guess I just needed a reminder of why I do this job."

"Which is?" He leaned against the dresser.

"When I was an EMT and then a firefighter, I was doing what I love which is helping people. But, I got tired of always being a step behind, the one left to clean up the mess other people left in their wake. I wanted to do something before there was a mess. Help people at the moment when they really needed it and prevent the mess altogether if possible. That's why I became a police officer and tried out for the SRU." Leah explained.

"And you're glad you did?" Sam asked tentively.

"Yes." Leah tipped her head down and smiled. "I'm sure there will be other days like this, but now I know I have friends I can lean on."

"Anytime you need." Sam smiled. He was relieved. He knew tomorrow would still be hard for her, it always was, but at least now she had a better handle on it.

"Thank you. For everything. I appreciate you worrying about me and wanting to help me." She said meaningfully.

"What are friends for?" Sam gave her a smile and stood from the dresser. "Anything you need before I go?"

Leah shook her head. "I'm good."

##### 2 weeks later #####

Leah sat in the truck with Spike, bored out of her mind. She frowned at the brace on her leg. I'm so sick of this thing, she thought angrily. Thank god she was getting the results of her MRI today. Dr. Fraser said she would call some time this afternoon to let Leah know if she could start taking the brace off for long periods. if the doctor said the ACL was healing and PT signed off, she could come off light duty.

She was already secretly doing her own PT at home since she had started college to be a physical therapist. She walked, carefully, down to her basement every morning and did leg stretches and strengthening for her knee. She wasn't allowed to work out with the team so she did it at home.

It was going great until she was late to work one morning and they all showed up at her house. Sam found her in the basement and chewed her out for thinking she knew more than the doctors. That had caused Ed to laugh and ask Sam whether he wanted to be the pot or the kettle since Sam had done the same thing more times than any of them could count.

That didn't, however, get Leah out of getting a strict talking to by Ed and Greg who warned her they would keep her in the truck indefinitely if she kept it up. So here she was hanging in the truck with Spike, which really wasn't that bad since Spike was so funny, waiting for the phone to ring.

When it finally did ring, she nearly jumped out of her skin. She pulled the phone out of her pocket and fumbled it in her hands before finally getting a good grip on it and hitting the button. She glared at Spike who was laughing hysterically at her and said, "Constable Kearns."

"Hi Constable, this is Doctor Fraser. How is your knee feeling?"

"Really ready to be out of this brace." Leah answered.

"Well good, because I've looked at your MRI and spoken to your physical therapist. We agree that as long as you take it easy for a little while longer, you should be good to go."

"How much longer?" Leah sagged in the chair and rolled her eyes. She was going to kill her physical therapist David. He'd said at their last appointment that she was a rock star and would do fine. He didn't schedule any more appointments for her.

Spike put a hand on Leah's. He could see that she wasn't getting good news. He ignored everyone in his ear asking what the doctor said. "Hold on guys." He said quietly.

"How much longer are you on shift this week?"

Leah felt a ray of hope. "Four more days."

"Ok. Light duty for the rest of this week, then you can start working out with your team. But if you feel even a slight twinge, you are to tell your Sergeant and go back on light duty. And I will be checking in from time to time, you understand?"

"Yes. Thank you Dr. Fraser." Leah couldn't keep the huge smile from her face. She ripped the velcro straps on the leg brace open and threw it on the floor of the truck. "Woo hooo!" She shouted and hugged Spike when he stood up.

"No more leg brace?" Spike asked excitedly.

"Nope!" Leah put her arms out and laughed.

Suddenly the door to the truck opened and the rest of the team was standing there smiling, their arms around each other. "Not until we get an official report from the doctor Kearns." Ed said as gruffly as he could as he picked the brace up from the floor and handed it to her.

"Aww." Wordy, Spike, Sam and Jules said together and pouted at Ed.

"Just kidding." Ed smiled. "We're so glad you were cleared at the hearing and now can rejoin us in the field. Although it was good for Wordy and Jules to try to keep up with Sam as he chased down subjects."

"Yeah, I need a vacation from chasing." Wordy faked being tired.

"Me too." Jules leaned into Wordy and they pretended to collapse together.

"Yeah well I'm still on light duty for the rest of the week so don't throw in the towel yet." Leah laughed as she carefully walked down the steps. "Uh oh. Speak of the devil." She chuckled as a subject pulled from the officer trying to get him in a cruiser and took off down the street.

Wordy and Jules looked at Sam who just smiled and put his hand out towards the escaping subject. Both groaned and shot Sam a dirty look as they took off after the handcuffed subject, catching him a few moments later.

 **AN: My muse did it! Lol. She gave me the idea for this story and wouldn't let it go. I'm not a huge fan of the Leah character. I feel like the actress did a good job, but we didn't know much about her. I wanted to explore that a little and find out what she would do after her first lethal. I hope you liked it. Please drop me a line one way or another. Ps. I'll be finishing Fires of the Past shortly. I'm back from vacation so please keep being patient! Thank you!**


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